Echoes of Flavio's Ghost Dreaming

It's been a rather strange week.

Winter finally coming, what gets to me is not the cold (and it hasn't been _that_ cold) but the darkness, the short days, it becoming pitch black night in the middle of the afternoon.

And then there's been the health issues. Or rather, the not knowing what's going on.

A few months ago I started having back pain. I also noticed that I had tingly feet and my ankles were a bit swollen. This can be caused by various alarming things so went to the doctors. They said it could be one of various alarming things and sent me for an ultra-sound scan, which was inconclusive. Then to a CT scan, a PET scan and finally an MRI scan, the results of which were never released to me or to the GP. I insisted and they sent me to UCLH for further checks - blood and urine tests, then a cardio echosonogram, then a full body MRI. Appointment to discuss whatever comes out of those, next week. On a day, of course, I had told them I would not be available so I had to scramble to sort that out.

The worst bit, thus far, is not knowing what's going on. But then, thus far, neither do they know what it is, so just a matter of patience. Wait and see.

Here, coughing has receded after a rather uncomfortable night the previous one. Still with that back pain all the time, although it goes up and down in intensity. And tingling feet, which is the alarming bit. All the time now. Blood tests on Monday. Today, not a lot. Two lessons in the evening, hopefully some guitar practice. Would love to find a couple of little local venues where I could do some more recitals. Not that I get money from those, fifty quid if I’m lucky which, given how long it takes to prepare one and set one up etc plus the having to talk to people and promote it, etc, works out at a couple of pence per hour, but it is something that I need to do..

Doctor's appointment on Monday was slightly alarming. Young female doctor saying that the back pain plus the swelling in my forelegs could be something extremely serious, loss of renal function and 'it happens with age, there is no treatment for that so you just have to live with it'. Or it could be heart. All this didn't make the rest of this busy week particularly stress free or enjoyable. Quieter today, just a couple of lessons in the evening. Some social things tomorrow.

Not enjoying this entropy of accumulating years much..

After the little scare when booking the flight back from Miami on the NY, I decided that, expensive and a faff as it now is, I should get British citizenship, after all these years.

Why hadn't I done it before? Well, until 2016 that didn't seem necessary, with me being an EU citizen. But then I learnt that half of this country kind of don't want me here (I know, I'm being a bit melodramatic there). On the night before the flight back the airline wouldn't let me check in online because 'I needed a visa to enter the UK' and I 'needed a return flight' out of the UK. That night, let's say I didn't sleep much. There's been a couple of other things that have made me think I really should look into this.

I tried to fill in the forms online and then I hit what seems a very minor obstacle: they want the _exact_ date of first arrival in the UK. Well, I came here first on a Caribbean Airways (national airline of Barbados) flight in... sometime late June or early July? 1986. You don't keep airline tickets from 38 years ago. Plus the airline went under the year after I came so no-one there to ask. I entered the country as an Italian, EU citizen, therefore no stamps on my passport. I should imagine the Home Office should have the passenger manifest for that flight so I daren't make up a date and then be told that I forfeited the nearly two thousand pound fee because I put false details in -can't afford that!. Later I learnt there is a lot more to that, apparently you should declare even minor parking or traffic fines, etc. So it looks like I need advice but -lawyers are very expensive! I don't think I can afford that and the nearly two thousand pound fee. So I'm at a bit of a quandary, waiting to see whether I can find more information about this. It is clear that at this point in the game I will be spending what's left of my life in this country -unless something really, really major happens. So it looks like I'll be needing advice on this.

My Bank Holiday Week-end, by Flavio, age -(no, not that, please forget about it)

Saturday brought the first Hampstead Alternative Picnic of the year. The weather was not promising, it looked like it was going to rain but it never did, so that's a win. Good company in the grounds of Kenwood House also was. Later that evening I went to Aces & Eights for Nathan's 'Dancing & Laughing' night. Couldn't dance much (foot still painful) but I enjoyed the band (Staatseinde) and catching up with peeps. Sunday -I can't even remember what I did, apart from going to Elephant & Castle to the Colombian shops to get some Venezuelan foodstuffs. On Monday I went to far away Peckham for the last day of Jane's showing at the Now Arts Fair -her work is amazing and I'm glad I went. Later I went to Walthamstow for Raven's celebration of birthday and graduation. All written like this it doesn't sound like much but bearing in mind how quickly I get tired these days and I still had (have) a painful foot, it was quite a bit.

What a strange counterpoint between the very extremely alarming news coming from... out there (waves vaguely at the world outside) and the relatively hum-drum or at least quotidian river of life in my corner, quietly sliding past in guitar lessons, practice, local goth clubs at the local rock pub, walks to the Heath or down in the general direction of that there London. Posting pictures of sunsets that nobody sees, posting clips of my guitar playing that nobody seems to care about. Reading, again in strange counterpoint, a fantasy book with minor gods who intervene in the affairs of humans for the next Bibliogoth and also Naomi Klein's 'Shock Doctrine', with its resonances with the nightmare currently about to unfold in the world. Enjoying a bit of coconut sorbet ice-cream and talking to a few friends, walking down the South Bank in the night but also driving up the M1 to my school of Tuesdays when it's still dark and I'm only 10% awake if that. The river of life's currents continue their sliding by, relentlessly.

Half term week. Getting up at 8:40 is not as good as getting up at 9:30 but so much better than getting up at 5 like every normal Tuesday. Only one guitar lesson (on Zoom) this evening. Try not to read the news today, it only makes me sad and sort of despondent. Oh, the sun is shining!

Why do I keep having these dreams in which my car gets stolen? But it is not my real car and not here. I'm still in our old dilapidated house in West Caracas and the car in question is some large American car, like a Chevrolet and.. white with red upholstery (vivid colours in the dream). In that scene I have very dodgy neighbours -well, that was true in real life then, so my brain is not making that up. I still think I would not be alive today had I stayed in that neighbourhood.

There have been a fair few attempts at a FB replacement app, which all have failed probably because your friends, your family etc. weren't there. After tthe twittercalypse there are now a couple of seemingly viable Twitter alternatives (BlueSky and Mastodon) but no FB alt yet. Apart from reach, for me at least there would need to be events, pages and groups but most of all events. Maybe now with the latest emanations (yes, I did mean that) from Meta HQ there will be more of a market for one and people interested in creating something. Here's to hoping.

Been a bit quiet here (again).

The end of summer and the coming of autumn has hit me a bit this year. It feels like my world is getting narrower and a little more difficult to navigate with each day. Partly it is the precariousness of my way of earning a living, which may be beginning to catch up with me -I am of pensionable age by now (how did that happen) but apparently many of my qualifying years didn't have all the NI contributions paid (no idea how that happened) and therefore don't count, so I only get a paltry one that is probably less than I spend in coffee in the month. Can I carry on doing private music teaching? Of course, while I have health but -odd things are happening: there are a few times im the year when I normally get a number of enquiries and some of those become pupils -which makes up for the ones that move away or the more casual ones that give up for whatever reason. The main of those times of the year is when the new school year starts, in September. Well, this year I didn't get one single enquiry. Not one phone call. This had never happened in the many years I've lived in the UK. It may be due to the cost of living crisis or maybe the patterns of how people look for an instrumental teacher have changed... no idea.

Social life still ok, although I have already missed quite a few gigs I would have like to have attended. Lack of energy, sometimes lack of money or just not having been aware they were happening. I still go to the little alternative club nights at Aces and the Albany but I can only take a couple of hours of that now. Still good to see people and catch up and dance a bit.

A pupil who is a lecturer at UCL has suggested the possibility of doing a recital (probably a lunch time one) there. It has to be some sort of lecture-recital, I am tempted to do one themed on Spanish and English Renaissance lute (and vihuela) music, tracing the parallel lines between the two styles of music between two nations perennially at war in those times. Probably would play the 'Canción del Emperador' by Luys de Narváez (link to a performance of mine of this work, below) and the ever popular (in a very narrow segment of the population, alas) 'Lachrimae Pavan' by John Dowland. I wish I was a little better at promoting my 'product'! but, still...

Canción del Emperador:
https://flaviomatani.dreamwidth.org/1547157.html

Lachrimae Pavan:
https://youtu.be/IEeL2e9y3b0

Ah, a Tuesday I don't have to get up at 5:20 am. My Tuesday school has an 'enrichment' week so no lessons (and no income; if you're an instrumental music teacher you essentially and rroughly get paid for lesson given, if the lesson doesn't happen you don't get paid). Today will be a slow day, which I think I needed.Taking my old Yamaha GC15D guitar to a luthier as the tuning machines broke and although this is a simple job, happens that whilst every other classical guitar in the world has a distance within axles of 35 mm, this one's 39 mm. But I'm not prepared to give up on a guitar that I've had for nigh on half a century and on which I played my graduation exam and concert, etc. Oops, this came out rather longer than I thought. Good morning!

Trying to stay active, walk perhaps half an hour a day (that doesn't make ten thousand steps but it is better than 0, I s'pose). I find it hard to believe I've reached this age, twice as old as I thought I'd ever get to be -but if you're growing up in a place like Caracas those are your expectations.

Sometimes it feels like the universe and my own body are trying to get rid of me. But I'm not planning on leaving the stage just yet. Had a bit of a blood pressure scary moment a couple of weeks ago, which resulted in six hours in A&E and having spent two weeks eating with almost no salt (salt is really bad for blood pressure). Not sure whether it is salt or stress, though. Particularly in the two secondary schools I teach guitar at, which seem to be competing for the most chaos and incompetence.

OTOH, I'm still here and I'm not yet bankrupt. Still reading, writing a little (not much), taking photographs and playing music (be it on my own rather than in public), as well as teaching it. Need to find a few local gigs to play (this is necessary to make myself keep a standard of playing) and a few more private pupils (this is necessary in order to pay the bills and in case I have to walk out of one of those schools). Onwards and upwards.